i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
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she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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