Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
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Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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