I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
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I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The Olympian is in my bed
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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