This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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