He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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