Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
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dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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