Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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