How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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