when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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