If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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