I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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