ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
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UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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