here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
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Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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