Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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