Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
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You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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