I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
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I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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