When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
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an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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