I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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