is your mom at the bar?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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