Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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