Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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