I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
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Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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