I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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