I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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