My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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