that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
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Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
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Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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