My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
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She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
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They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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