all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
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She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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