I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
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Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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