i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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