got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
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I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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