I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
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In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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