Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
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Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
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How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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