Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
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I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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