Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
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She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
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I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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