Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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