it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
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But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
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You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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