He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
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You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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