The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
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Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
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the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize