he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
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The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
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The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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