DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
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It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
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All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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