i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
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Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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