How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
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He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
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The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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