Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
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rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
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Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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