the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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