This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
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the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
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I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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