If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
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you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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