Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize