my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
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you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
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I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
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