I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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